Society. Christmas in shared custody: protecting children from conflict

Christmas Eve at Dad's, Christmas Day at Mum's? Every other year? The first week of the holidays with one, the second with the other? Every year, hundreds of thousands of separated families have to organise the holidays between two homes. In 2016, according to Insee, 400,000 minors in France lived in alternating residence, twice as many as in 2010, not counting all those who live mainly with one parent and see the other during the holidays.

Plan ahead, starting now

Most often, the court ruling or the divorce agreement already sets out how the Christmas holidays are shared. It is best to check it early, in November, and agree on the practical details: times, journeys, presents. Decisions made at the last minute, or in the heat of the moment, are often the ones that create tension.

When parents get on, nothing prevents them from adjusting the planned calendar, in writing and by mutual agreement. When they cannot, family mediation can help find common ground with a neutral professional.

A child should not have to choose between their parents, least of all on Christmas Eve.

What children go through

For a child, spending the holidays between two homes can bring joy, but also a sense of being torn: sadness at leaving one parent, fear of leaving them alone, guilt at having fun at the other's. These feelings are normal. What makes them heavy is when the child feels they must protect a parent, or becomes the messenger of conflicts between adults.

A few attitudes help a lot: telling them the plan in advance, not criticising the other parent in front of them, allowing them to talk about the other home, and telling them clearly that they are allowed to be happy with each parent. A call or message to the other parent on Christmas Day, if the situation allows, is often reassuring.

And for the parent alone that evening?

The parent who spends Christmas Eve without their children often goes through a difficult, sometimes painful evening. Planning it with friends or family, allowing yourself a different ritual, or celebrating Christmas "late" with the children a few days later: there is no right date to be together, only moments shared.

This article is for information only. It replaces neither a consultation nor a diagnosis, which is a doctor's role.