Grief. The holidays when you are grieving: an empty chair at the table

Fairy lights, Christmas songs, tables laid for reunions: everything says the family is supposed to be together. When someone is missing, these symbols become painful. The first holidays after a death are often dreaded weeks in advance, and not only in the first year.

An absence that shows more

The holidays are made of rituals: one person's recipe, another's place at the table, the one who carved the turkey or handed out the presents. Each of these gestures recalls the person who is no longer there. It is normal for sadness, anger or nostalgia to resurface at this time, even several years after the loss.

In "Mourning and Melancholia" in 1917, Sigmund Freud described the work of mourning as a slow process of detachment, which passes precisely through these memories, one by one. The holidays bring many of them back at once. It is exhausting, but it is also part of the journey.

You do not have to do things "as usual", because nothing is as usual any more.

Choosing how to live these days

There is no right way to do it. Some need to keep traditions intact, others to change everything: another place, another date, a simpler meal. It is also possible to make room for the person who is missing: lighting a candle, sharing a memory, cooking their favourite dish, setting out their photo. Many families say that these gestures, far from darkening the celebration, make it more true.

You are also allowed not to feel like celebrating, to leave the table early, to cry. Telling those close to you what you need, or what you would rather avoid, prevents many misunderstandings.

For those around them

Faced with someone who is grieving, people are often afraid of "twisting the knife" by mentioning the name of the person who died. Yet it is often the opposite: most bereaved people are touched that others remember. A message, an invitation, a simple presence are better than silence.

This article is for information only. It replaces neither a consultation nor a diagnosis, which is a doctor's role.